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John Ray's collection of jokes off the internet:



First, for three "strange but true" stories:

Dating Game

A man in Los Angeles , was issued a citation in 1985 for disorderly conduct. When he was issued the ticket he was found in the women's restroom at the Mall. He had the most credible excuse they had ever heard. The man explained to the officers that he thought it would be the best place to meet women. He already got three phone numbers and showed the officers!

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On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's. call someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions (that vary from couple to couple) and asked for their significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners. This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"? Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do. DJ: What is your name? First name only please. Contestant: Brian. DJ: Are you married or what Brian? Brian: Yes. DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married"? or what?, Brian? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married. DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian. Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work Brian? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work? Brian: (laughing) Yes she is. DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man. Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning. DJ: Atta boy. Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well... DJ: Number 2: How long did it last? Brian: About 10 minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice. DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm. DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (Advertisements) DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones ...*ringing*) Clerk: Kinko's. DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she. DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours? DJ: Well, awhile anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"? Sara: No. DJ: Good. Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Sara: Oh, Brian. DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World. Sara: All right. Brian: (laughing) DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara? Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last? Sara: 12 ... 15 minutes maybe. DJ: hhmmmmm Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood. DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it? Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?! Brian: Just tell him honey. DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara? Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and... DJ: SHE SAW?!?! Sara: BRIAN?!?! Brian: NO, no she didn't. DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer? Sara: Dear Lord..I cannot believe you told them this. Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it? Sara: In the ass. (long pause) DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements) DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

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HOTEL MISTAKES

A New York City hotel sent thank-you letters to each of twelve hundred former guests for staying in the past several months. The problem was that they chose the wrong computerized mailing list. The thank-you letter was sent out to fifteen hundred people who had not stayed at that particular hotel. One of the hotel managers discovered this mistake when the hotel switchboard started lighting up. The hotel was swamped with calls. Every line was ringing. On one line there was a pregnant woman tearfully saying that her husband didn't believe the baby was his. He thought it was produced at her big night at the hotel with out him. Many other spouses called to say they now knew what their significant other was really doing on their long lunches and after work meetings. The hotel manager commented in a sarcastic manner "Husbands and wives don't trust each other much these days!"

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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children.". The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think.

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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

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Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

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The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.

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A farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper starts to lecture him and throw his weight around. Finally, he gets around to writing the ticket, but he keeps having to swat at the flies buzzing around his head. The farmer says: "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stops writing the ticket and says: "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says: "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says: "Hey, wait a minute. Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says: "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says: "Good," and goes back to writing the ticket. "Hard to fool them flies, though..." says the farmer.

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Q. Why do politicians kiss babies?

A. Because what they see are future taxpayers.

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush die and find themselves standing on the banks of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael is standing on the other side and shouts over to the three surprised Americans: "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River. You will sink proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American look at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteers to go first. Slowly he begins to wade out into the river, and slowly the water begins to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George begins to sweat, thinking that all of his sins are coming back to haunt him. He's beginning to wonder if he will ever see the other side. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, he begins to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascends to the other side, he looks behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. He's shocked to see Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, only up to his ankles in water!

He turns to Michael and exclaims: "I know Al Gore. I believe Al Gore is a good man at heart, but he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael can reply, Gore shouts to Bush: "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

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A guy goes out on the town and gets totally polluted. As he wakes up the next morning, he realizes that he's got his arm around the fattest, ugliest woman he's ever seen! Slowly, he removes his arm and quietly gets dressed. He pulls a $20 bill out of his wallet and leaves it on the dresser.

Just as he's about to slip out the door, he feels a tug at his pantleg. He looks down and sees another woman, just as brutally ugly as the one he left in the bed. She looks up at him and says: "What... nothing for the bridesmaid?!"

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Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.

Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."

That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.

Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "But I stepped on a duck."

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A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman on Rodeo Drive and says: "Please, mam... could you spare some change? I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looks at him and says: "God, I wish I had your willpower!"

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Two politicians, a Democrat and a Republican, are talking in a bar. "I never lose an opportunity to promote the Party," says the Republican. "For instance, when I take a cab, I always give the driver a really big tip and tell them to vote Republican!"

"That's interesting," replies the Democrat. "Whenever I take a cab, I just pay the basic fare, give no tip at all, and tell them to vote Republican

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A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

To which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing!"

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The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse!"

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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

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An owner of a horse ranch receives a call from a friend, saying he is sending over a midget with a speech impairment who is looking to buy a horse.

The midget arrives, and the rancher asks if he would like a male or a female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So, the rancher shows him his finest filly. "Nith looking horth. Can I thee her mouf?"

So, the rancher picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth. "Nith mouf. Can I thee her eyeth?"

Again, the rancher picks the midget up and shows him the horses eyes. "O.K., what about her earzth?"

The rancher, getting pretty pissed by now, lifts him up higher to the ears. "O.K.," says the midget,"can I thee her twat?"

With that, the rancher picks up the midget and shoves the little fella's head way up into the filly's twat, then yanks him out.

Shaking his head, and out of breath the midget says: "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd a little bit?"

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Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at The edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

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John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing. He asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax (Laxettes) and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. "Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

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Uncle George spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself.", she answered. "Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" "Beerfuck."

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This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house".

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Three stiffs are laid out in the morgue - all with smiles on their faces. The coroner stops at the first one and asks the attendant why the dead guy has a smile on his face. The attendant replies that this was a middle-aged Englishman who has just married a young nymphomaniac, and that he had a heart-attack while screwing her. "What about this guy?" the coroner asks about the second smiling corpse. "Oh, that's guy's Scottish. He worked at a distillery and fell in the vat. He literally drowned in fine, single-malt Scotch whiskey." "I see," says the coroner. "And the last gentleman?" "Oh, that's just an Irishman who was struck by lightning." "Really?" says the coroner. "Why is he smiling, then?" To which the attendant replies: "He thought he was getting his picture taken!"

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After his heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. Finally, he asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you getting too excited".

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Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the Greco-Roman wrestling competition. It's the Gold Medal match between Russia and the USA. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer says to him, "the Russian has never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold!" As the match begins, the American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. The American trainer buries his face in his hands realizing all is lost. He can't watch. But suddenly there's a scream from the wrestling circle. Supporters of the American in the crowd begin to chant, "USA, USA." Just then the trainer raises his eyes to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer is astounded! He can't believe what he has witnessed. Rushing up to the American wrestler as he comes off the mat he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done that before!"The American slowly answers, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold. At the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose. With my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

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2 Jokes -- one for the women and one for the men:

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck. As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice,"the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound.He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

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Some Religious jokes:

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog, and when the dog died after many a year, Muldoon went to the parish priest and he asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the crature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do somethin' for the creature." Muldoon said: "I'll go right away. Do ya think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed: "Glory be to God Muldoon! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

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An old European Monastery is perched high on a 500-foot cliff. Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top with a ragged old rope. Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked: "How often do you change the rope?" The monk in charge replied: "Whenever the old one breaks."

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The Buddhist priest walks up to the Zen hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything." He then hands the vendor a $20. The Zen hot dog vendor opens his box, places the money inside, and closes it. The priest says "Where's my change?" Replies the vendor: "Change must come from within."

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A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying such terrible things, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman exclaimed. The next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, dude! Our prayers have finally been answered!"

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This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

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A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he says: "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread,' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church." The Pope responds: "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you do this for us." Again the Pope replies: "Impossible." Finally, the Tyson guy says: "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'" And he leaves. The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion. The bad news is that we're losing the Wonderbread account."

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Some earthy jokes:

One night this guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door his girlfriend says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." "Give me some examples," the guy replies. "Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either." "I see," the guy says. "So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?" "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

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The annual Gynecologist's meeting was held this year in Paris. A French Doctor was comparing notes with an English Doctor about their profession. The French Doc says, "Why only last week, a woman came to see me for an examination, and she had a clitoris like a melon." The English Doc said, "Don't be ridiculous you stupid frog, if it was that big she would not have been able to walk." The French Doctor replies, "Ah, you English with your obsessions about size... I was talking about zee flavour."

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A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her", the young man exclaimed. "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife", replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her". Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad at her anymore".

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A man walks in to the country store and asks the clerk for a package of condoms. The clerk asks "what size are you?" "I dunno" replies the man. Well the clerk tells him to go out back where there is a plywood fence with numbered holes in it. He is told to stick it in various holes to determine his size. Well, this big 'ol fat girl sees the man heading out back and runs around behind the fence. As soon as the man sticks it thru the hole, the fat girl picks up her moo-moo and backs up to the fence. A while later the man returns and the clerk asks him "Well, what size will it be?" "Forget the rubbers," the man replies, "I'll just take 3 sheets of that plywood!"

*** *** ***

Two drunks were sitting on a street corner wondering if they should buy a beer with their last dollar. One of the drunks suggested that they buy a hotdog. The other started bitching, complaining that he couldn't drink a hotdog. The other drunk told him his idea. "What we do is buy a hotdog, go into a bar, and order two drinks. After we drink our beers you drop down to your knees, and I'll unzip my pants and pull out the hotdog so you can suck on it. The bartender will throw us out thinking we're queers." The other drunk thought this was a great idea, so they bought a hotdog. They went into the first bar, ordered their drinks, and drank them quickly. Then the drunk dropped to his knees and started to suck the hotdog. Sure enough, the bartender kicked them out thinking they were queer. They hit about ten or fifteen bars when the first drunk started to complain about his knees hurting. He asked if in the next bar the other drunk would do the dirty work. The second drunk said, "I'd rather not. I lost the hotdog after about the fifth bar."

*********************************

It was Cup Final day at Wembley, the most important match in the whole of English football, and the sports commentator had mentioned several times that as usual the stadium had been sold out long before the game. As he described the action, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on. "Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the empty seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is unoccupied?" "Yeah. It's my wife's seat." "And why is it empty?" "She died." "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend to come to the game with you today?" "Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her funeral."

*************************************

And, of course, some Jewish jokes:

Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen!" he says. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." So Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker." She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."

***************************

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee, "it was everything you said it would be." "Ooh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp!

****************************

At a new shopping complex, by coincidence there were 3 tailors' shops next to each other. By an even greater coincidence, all three tailors were called Goldberg. The first tailor hung a sign outside his shop which read: Goldberg - Tailor of Distinction. The second had a bigger sign: Goldberg - Fine Gentlemen's Tailor. The third had quite a small sign. It said: Goldberg Tailors. Main Entrance.

************************

An elderly Jewish matron decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, and a gold Rolex." "But you aren't wearing any of those things", the artist observed. "I know," she explained. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry almost immediately, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery!"

******************************

Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's

* You try to enter your password on the microwave.

* You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

* Your daughter sells Girl Guide Cookies via her web site.

* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

* Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date... and now sells for half the price you paid.

* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

* You consider the time it takes to microwave popcorn even more painful.

* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

* You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

**************************

Some Oxymorons

35. State worker 34. Legally drunk 33. Exact estimate 32. Act naturally 31. Found missing 30. Resident alien 29. Genuine imitation 28. Airline Food 27. Good grief 26. Government organization 25. Sanitary landfill 24. Alone together 23. Small crowd 22. Business ethics 21. Soft rock 20. Butt Head 19. Military Intelligence 18. Sweet sorrow 17. Rural Metro (ambulance service) 16. "Now, then ..." 15. Passive aggression 14. Clearly misunderstood 13. Peace force 12. Extinct Life 11. Plastic glasses 10. Terribly pleased 9. Computer security 8. Political science 7. Tight slacks 6. Definite maybe 5. Pretty ugly 4. Rap music 3. Working vacation 2. Religious tolerance

And the number one top Oxymoron....

1. Microsoft Works

**********************

WHY WOMEN ARE SUPERIOR

We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic. Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes. We can be groupies. Male 'groupies' are stalkers. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. Taxis stop for us. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. We know the Truth about whether or not size matters. If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. We have the ability to dress ourselves. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

************************

Some Answers Men Would Like to Give to a Woman's Stupid Questions:

1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex. 2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that bloody icecream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. 3. You've got no chance of me calling you. 4. No, I won't be gentle. 5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time. 6. I hate your bloody friends. 7. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonite. 8. I'd rather watch a porno.

**************************

And to end with some profound philosophy:

An elephant was drowning in quicksand. He saw a mouse, and he asked the mouse to save him. The mouse stated that he could not pull him out due to the size ratio, but he would go get his Mercedes, and see what he could do. So, the mouse got the Mercedes, threw a rope out to the elephant, and saved the elephant's life. The elephant was so grateful, he asked what he could do. The mouse said he would think of something. Next week, the mouse was drowning in the quicksand. The mouse called out to the elephant, and reminded the elephant that he had saved his life. The elephant lumbered up to the edge of the quicksand, extended his "male member" out as far as it would go, the mouse grabbed on, and the mouse's life was saved.

Moral of the story....

If you have a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes...

************************

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies. "'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter askes. "I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"






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